- Is there a history of heart disease in your family?
- Is there a history of high blood pressure in your family?
- Is there a kink in your neck?
- Has anyone in your family ever been sectioned?
- How did it feel? That they were/were not sectioned. (Delete as appropriate)
- Has anyone in your family (including yourself) suffered a brain injury?
- Has anyone in your family claimed they were not in control of their actions?
- Did they appear distressed or pleased to discover this news?
- At what point did you realise you were not in control of your own body?
- Are you familiar with the concept of possession?
- Are you familiar with the concept of hungry ghosts?
- Are you familiar with the concept of cosmic background radiation?
- Is there a history of false limbs in your family history? For example, stories around peg legs, a mannequin’s arm. A second cousin who felt the presence of a shrivelled, invisible head resting on the pillow next to her own?
- Are any of your immediate family taking blood thinning medication?
- Are any of your immediate family taking non steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs (NSAIDs?)
- Do you sometimes notice a fizzing or popping sound in your ears?
- Do you find yourself getting tired easily these days?
Scoring table can be found at the back of this leaflet.
If you scored 6 or more points on the above test, we recommend you create a cage to prevent control rays from reaching your hand. This cage, unlike traditional Faraday cages, does not need to be made of metal or foil. A simple plastic shopping bag will do.
What are control rays, you may ask?
Great question!
With the aid of as many rubber bands as you can muster, attach the plastic bag to your hand approximately 3 inches below the wrist. You will immediately feel as if a weight has been lifted from your shoulders, even as the reactions of your hand become more sluggish and bloated. Try flexing your hand or clenching and unclenching a fist, and look! Already the malign outside influence of the things that nested inside your body is waning. Incredible, simply incredible.
Do not under any circumstances remove the plastic bag.
After several hours you may no longer feel your hand. If the bag is transparent or translucent you may also see the colouration or the texture of the hand has changed. This is normal and to be expected. We also recommended that in the future you use an opaque bag.
After several days you may notice your hand has taken on the appearance of a dead hand, according to medical professionals. Do not under any circumstances see a medical professional or remove the plastic bag. Now that you have rid your wayward hand of residual control rays, you can begin the difficult process of moving and manipulating the sloughing flesh under your own free will. Do not be concerned about the sloughing.
Your renegade skin and muscle, elements still loyal to the control rays, are defecting to line the inside of the plastic bag. Visibility may be reduced.
Even as electricity no longer fires across your nerves, you will find that with sufficient practice the hand will twitch and shudder within the bag, powered solely by your will
(cont.)
Alexander James 